Sometimes in life bad things happen. Relationships fall apart, we lose our job, we get stuck. I read today that “Endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.” I was considering the relevance of this. If you follow my blog you know my life consists of many men woos. I was engaged, my ex called off the wedding for one of my friends and I moved home with my parents. My whole entire life changed and drastically. I quit my job, I moved, I am single (Hadn’t been in five years). There was no where for me to find my footing. I felt like I was free falling, it was exciting, scary, it often has felt like a dream.
I have since tried dating; failed miserably. First there was ZS (only wanted sex), FD (emotional train wreck) then JH (incredibly selfish/ codependent person). Only recurring theme, they aren’t emotionally stable. I began to read “Choosing Me Before We” (INCREDIBLE BOOK, I suggest it for everyone) and I realized I am receiving the type of men based off of what I am putting out there. I am an unhealthy me and they are unhealthy he’s and we make an unhealthy we. So it isn’t working, it isn’t good and it’t not something I want. So often we get to a cross road with our life. Give up or chin up. (That’s how I see it, I’m sure everyone else has a different interpretation), but I think we have a choice. We can choose to let these wounds turn us into someone we aren’t, someone we don’t recognize (in a bad way) or we can make it into something that we can be forever changed but not by our wounds, but because we want to.
It’s hard to do though. To stay positive, to stay open to change. Sometimes I feel like my heart is as vast as the sea, I often don’t understand it. It’s a scary thing when the world gets quiet and you stop to listen to yourself and you hear no response. I forgot somewhere along the way how to listen to myself. Because of Dj I drowned my intuition, my best friend, the one person who always has my best interests at heart. All she wants is for me to be happy, all she has cared about is me but I stopped listening to her and now I am having a hard time finding that connection again.
The book is definitely helping me. I realize she never left, she is still there. And with Dj she screamed all of the time, begging me to leave and I never did. So to Dj i will be forever grateful, he did something I could not do. He gave me my freedom, he gave me the greatest gift he ever could, he forced me to leave. I sometimes feel like it was necessary for him to cheat because I probably would’ve gone back and willingly but since he shattered us he made it impossible and too painful to try to put it back together. I didn’t feel lucky for months, I felt empty, I felt abandoned, I felt this immense hurt and this gigantic hole, I truly thought my heart would never repair. But I am starting to see how wrong I was.
When I was with Dj I was empty, I didn’t know myself, I didn’t love myself and because of this I was truly incapable of loving another human being. I couldn’t be emerged in love because there was no Christy. I was an empty shell and DJ became my everything because I didn’t know how to be anything myself. Now as the dust has settled and as the pain has begun to erode I see that my break up has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I got to my cross road and at the split I sat stagnant for awhile. Part of me wanted to give up and part of me wanted to move on. Luckily I decided it was okay to move on.
I don’t know who I am yet. I don’t know how to fully listen to myself yet but i am much further to figuring that out then I was a year ago. I am happier than I was a year ago. I smile more, I laugh more. I am meeting new people, new friends, and even making a new best friend (myself). I had seen a Sex and the City episode and Carrie said “the wrong men choose me” and I thought oh my god that’s my problem. But now I am realizing sometimes we are the reason we are not getting the kind of relationship we want. I am going to finish working on and salvaging the most important relationship I have in my life, the one with myself.