I was reading the best way to let go of someone is to write them a letter, saying how you feel and thanking them. But to not send it. So here is my letter to JH.
First of all I am pretty hurt. I am disappointed in you. I thought you were so many things and you made me believe you were and well you weren’t any of those things. I wish when we spoke you would’ve validated my feelings instead of brushing them under the rug. They did exist, I was hurt and you couldn’t even try to comprehend why or fix it. The first time you left me it was easy to forgive you. Not much had happened yet, so it was easy. The second time when we had sex and then you deleted me on facebook and were gone for two weeks, that was terrible for me. I cried. You know me kid I’m not huge on the emotional end but I did cry. I felt embarrassed, I felt used, and I felt worthless.
I forgave you again because you were sorry. I truly felt like you were. So I couldn’t not forgive you. And then things started to move forward again but I couldn’t help but feel like your words never match up to your actions. You kept saying “I want you” but then you would cancel on seeing me. If you wanted things to work, you would’ve made time for me. I wouldn’t have to worry about seeing you because you would be making an effort to do so. I wouldn’t have to worry about how you felt about me because I would know.
My song for you is Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus. Because that’s how I feel. I will always want you but you wrecked me.
What I never got to say: I think you’re incredible, you’re kind, you’re hard working, you’re stronger than you even believe. You deserve amazing things out of life. You deserve more than you give yourself credit for. Advice would be maybe look at all the relationships in your life, all of the people in your life and consider how you treat those people. You always treated me like the back up option (we both know it’s true) so consider who you were treating like the first option, did they deserve to be treated that way? Did I deserve to be treated the way you treated me? And honestly I wish you would sit back and consider “Overall did I treat Christy in a manor that she deserved?” And be honest with yourself when you answer.
I haven’t cared about anyone this much since Dj. I know we talked about FD a few times but I didn’t ever like him the way I liked you. The first day I met you and we walked around Wash Park I fell for you. You have this demeanor about you, it’s calming, it’s collected, it’s dignified, it’s wonderful. I went home that day and I told my family “he’s different”, I told them “I have a good feeling about this one.” I didn’t realize I was wrong. And that was hard for me to let go of, that you weren’t different.
Kid, I am going to miss the way you smell, holding your hand, cuddling in bed, I am going to miss texting you, I am going to miss your close ended texts (that never went anywhere ha). I already miss hearing your voice (it always calmed me), I am going to miss sharing music with you (and having you at least pretend to care). I am really going to miss all four of your smiles. I got all four too. When something was really funny and you would tilt your head back slightly with your eyes closed (that one was my favorite and I always tried to get that one), the one when you were laughing to be polite, the one where you smile because you are uncomfortable and your smile when you’re just happy. I got that smile a lot. I am going to miss your laugh. EVERY time you laugh you want to talk right after. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I will miss the fact that you only ever wore LRG around me. I will miss your tattoos, and your barren arm (that is no longer barren).
Thank you for teaching me I will love someone again, when DJ and I broke up I didn’t think it would happen. Thank you for making me smile, for making me laugh, and making me realize I am worth so much more than I ever realized.
One thing I never got to say: I love you.