It’s a horrible feeling to ache and miss someone who is standing right in front of you. It’s this low pain deep in your stomach. No matter what they do, whether it’s smile, or if they’re sad, if they’re scared; it takes all of your strength to not reach across the table and take them in your arms. Unrequited love is the worst kind of love especially if you are the one who pines for the other person. It’s as though they can’t or don’t see what’s in front of them. So who’s loss is it? Perhaps they’re losing out on you, but when you know how wonderful they are you feel as though you’re losing too.
MS wants to just be friends. So you go from dating for a month to being friends? How do some people move backwards so easily? Was it a one way relationship? Was I the only one feeling anything? That tends to be the way it goes. I guess it just gets to a point where you just have to let some things go. Some things last, some things don’t. But I can’t put myself in a position that feels causes me pain. Being with him is fantastic, we talk for hours but at the same time it causes me unbearable pain. To be demoted with no explanation hurts. It’s a blow to your stomach, steals the air from your throat. When it was clear he didn’t want to be with me all I could feel was an ache. It started low and slowly rose. It went through my entire body.
I can’t really explain it. It’s just one of those feelings that if you’ve felt it you know it. I guess pain is just pain no matter what way you slice it. But we are the drivers in our lives and making a decision to not be friends with him was the best thing I could do for myself.
People will disappoint you, it’s a sad fact of life. Often times people aren’t what we expect or they aren’t what they claimed to be. Sometimes that’s hauntingly painful. We make wrong choices, part of being human, one of the beautiful parts of being human. But when we make these poor choices we often let them weigh heavier than we should. They somehow begin to reflect on us in some negative way. If you’re like me you replay it in your head and punish yourself for not knowing. Sometimes in the end, it seems so obvious, like the answer was staring you in the face the whole time. And since you didn’t know this means something bad about you, that it reflects poorly on us as individuals. But I think the one way we rectify a bad choice is by choosing more wisely in the future. This is true for dating, jobs, moving, failing. We just have to move on, keep our chins up, honestly what other choice do we have? We can wallow in self pity and become something that we’re not or we can fight on, move on and work as hard as we can to make sure those choices don’t ruin us in the end.
I have to remind myself, often, that I am in the driver seat of my own life. I can control how I feel, how I react to others and how I perceive myself and my situation. I sometimes pick the wrong people, I let people who don’t deserve my time in and I begin to regret it. But the way they treat me doesn’t reflect poorly on me, it reflects on them.
People really have stopped seeing what’s important in life. We’ve become sloppy, we say we are going to call, when we have no intention of doing so. We all think we have our priorities straight, we all long for love, we all long to achieve something. But we make plans we never meant to follow through with. We don’t make time for people who truly care about us. Nothing hurts worse then when someone you care about says they don’t have time to see you. We make excuses and often we allow people to get away with giving us so little. Honestly it’s bull shit.
I am sick of having people in my life who makes excuses. And honestly they only exist in our lives because we allow them to. Nothing is more disappointing or more hurtful then when you see a future with someone and they drop you due to time. We can all make time, even if it’s just a few hours in a week. Even if it’s just one dinner a week. We can make the time and are all willing to make the time when it’s the right person.
I’m so done with these kind of people. I have no room in my life for them. I think it’s time to expect more from people, to expect more from ourselves and to let the people we care about know that we care about them. We have one life, a short existence, I think it’s important to make the time.
I took a bath today it’s been a hot minute since I took one. And no this is not a dirty post, get your head out of the gutter. I did something that I used to do when I was little. Once it got full enough I put my head under the water, while the faucet was still running. I laid quietly listening to the water, staring blankly at the ceiling. I began to think about the space above me and for those of you who know me, you know that my mind wanders. As soon as the word space entered my head I began to envision it. The infinite space above me, reminding me always of how tiny I am in the scheme of things. I luckily know a thing or two about astronomy and above me there they were, the stars. I personally thought of the milky way. Staring up, I could see them glisten.
When I was younger, space scared me. The idea of something so vast, so limitless, the darkness itself, the unknown made me quiver. Now as an adult they still make me quiver but for a different reason. I realize now that thanks to the dark we can see them shine. That stars even in there inconsistencies, can be consistent in a sense. The night sky changes with the seasons, some stars die but even when they die it takes a billion years for the process to even finish. The oddest thing for me when it comes to stars is that some of the ones we are seeing are already dead. But we can still see their light hundreds, thousands, millions, billions of years later (depending on how far away they are). That to me is extraordinary. They burn out, yet from where I stand, I can still see their light.
Sometimes my life feels like a black abyss. It feels dark, it feels infinite, it feels too vast. After feeling this way for the past year I came across something rather remarkable “I think that we are like stars. Something happens to burst us open; but when we burst open and think we are dying; we’re actually turning into a supernova. And then when we look at ourselves again, we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful than we ever were before!” So maybe, just maybe, we are all stars in our own black abyss. When it’s dark, when things feel amiss, when we feel broken, burnt out, we are like the stars in the night sky, we can still shine, we are still uniquely beautiful.
You know when you’re standing in a line waiting to get food, waiting at the bank, waiting to get a five dollar coffee and some hottie eye fucks the shit out of you? So you look back, do the eye drag thing, look away, look back, flip your hair. He looks back over and over and over again. Smiling, winking, okay maybe not winking but at least grinning. I always worry maybe I have something on my face. Maybe there’s something in my teeth. But wait no he looks back again for the 15th time. You can feel him stare at the back of your head, let’s face it the back of your head is ridiculous, in the best way possible. But then nothing… You’re still both there sitting, staring, waiting. He says nothing! It’s like boy what’s your deal! Are you gonna holla at me or what?
Lately I’ve been contemplating whether or not the number of people you’ve had sex with matters or not. In some regard it does. People ask, people talk about it, people worry about their experience levels; is mine too low? Is it too high? I am trying to determine if there is a happy medium for this. I never thought of my number as being “high” but as more conversations have been had about the more and more I think maybe it is high.
In our society now sleeping with too many men makes you a “slut”. I’ll be honest I wouldn’t take back any of my sex experiences, well lezbereal I would probably take back a few (we’ve all had those; the Mr. Jack Rabbits, the Mr. I Only Matter, the Mr. I Last Six Seconds). But for the most part there have been some pretty funny stories, ones I cherish in a sick way. But as soon as my number is said (between 30-100) eye brows rise, people go oooohhhh, I get the look, and when the look comes from women it’s almost a I pity you kind of look. I also get the “I was like that before I fell in love”, “I use to not understand what sex was.” I mean fucking really ladies? I’ve been in love, it kicked my ass and sometimes sex has NOTHING to do with love.
So maybe I am slutty, maybe my legs are open more often than they are closed but I mean come on. I only have sex when it feels right, when I want to and there is nothing wrong with that. If men have sex it’s a “You go man”, “He’s the man”, “I wish I was him.” Then when women have lots of sex it’s “Poor her”, “Oh you’ll find someone to love”, or “I use to be confused about it too.” I’m calling bullshit. I think women’s sexuality shouldn’t be such a faux paus, if I can’t have sex with as many men as I want then men shouldn’t have sex with as many women as they want. Can I get an amen?
Just took a quiz about dating and apparently dating is not for me. I don’t think I needed a quiz to tell me that but it is reaffirming a sinking suspicion I’ve had for awhile now. But it said I wasn’t “ready for dating” and that “I should wait for it to happen.” Uh okay (magazine I won’t out). I can make my own list and since I know myself better than you do I would say I am more accurate. Why dating is not for me:
1. I love myself too much, call me crazy but I am fantastic and I haven’t met anyone who matches up.
2. I hate feelings; I hate talking about feelings and I hate hearing about feelings. Ever see the Sex and the City where Carrie breaks out in hives when she puts on a wedding dress? I break out in sweat and squirm when “feelings” are brought up.
3. I like having good sex, all of the time. Having sex with one person can be great, especially when you’re in love, don’t get me wrong but I think sex can become stale. And I did read that more married women are sexually unsatisfied. I am single and sexually satisfied. Why would I want to change that?
4. I can always find things I like about people. The whole “type” thing doesn’t work for me. I don’t have a type. Well maybe, my type is male. I can find something I like about anyone (for the most part). Serial Killers (Dexter has great hair), poets (Keats really knew how to make a woman swoon), celebrities who need rehab ( Charlie Sheen would be a great party guest), politicians (think Frank from House of Cards, he may be cruel but he is charismatic). So I have a hard time being with just one man. Maybe I need a man with a few personalities? Keep me on my toes. Don’t quote me on that though.
5. I am not the most stable person I know. No details necessary.
So thank you shitty magazine for pointing out the obvious.